I always have, and still do pride myself in what I’ve accomplished, listed on my life’s goal list. I’m a list maker. I’m a planner, sometimes maybe too much of a planner. I live how I want to live. My desires are not elusive, nor imaginary. They are solid goals, achievable through my yearning, determination, and sincere want. I always make sure, however, that this desire is good not only for me but for all concerned. Selfishness has no place in Goodness.
My daily work is part of my self-expression. I express myself in many ways, and I make sure that I love what I do. When I love what I do, I am certain, I will express my highest self, my true nature, and through this love contribute to the good for all. Well, at least that’s the way I look at it.
But with all these goals and ‘black and white’ approach (another term I learned from my therapist) did I forget something? Did I miss the variance of ‘there is a middle ground’? Did I forget the enjoyment of self-love? Did this regiment of daily strategic planning and analytical reasoning neglect the wellbeing of my soul? Did this habit of not always doing what’s mentally healthy for me, cause some of the challenges, because I overlooked the fact that I am valuable too? Did I ignore my capacity of self-love, thinking it wasn’t all that important, as long as I did right by others?
I gave deep thought to the statement: ‘Start loving how you want to be loved.’
I cannot give true love (not affection) if I doubt my own self-love. Am I good enough? Am I worthy of love? Are the doubts and fears of negative childhood experiences still influencing my self-worth today? Of course, but this love for self must be felt. I’m not talking about ego or self-aggrandizement. I’m talking about humble, kind, and grateful self-love.
Words are empty if they are not felt in the deepest chambers of your heart and I realize that I am the only one that can root for myself and accept myself as the person I have become. I do like myself, at least that much I can admit.
I appreciate that others are supportive and stand by me in hard times, but my true rooting and cheering comes from an inner sincere desire to be the best I can be. The best, not as a competition, but the best according to the Allness of Good, the factual Law of the Universe.
With Love, ULRIKE